Sunday, December 14, 2008

2007's Deathly Melbourne Trip.

The month is May 2007. We have Nine Inch Nails tickets, minimal cash, a hearty stock of Whiskey and energy pumping through our veins. Thus begineth = THE MELBOURNE TRIP.

We catch a bus to Melbourne. I am the only girl in a group of six males.

The problem of catching a bus with six blokes is the tesosterone overload makes men do stupid things. Like irritating 100% of the bus for eight solid hours.

5.30am: We arrive in Melbourne. We hang out in a park for while before we can check in. We are suddenly ambushed by a MASS GROUP OF JOGGERS.

Dylan serenades joggers.

We go check into our hostel and have communal nap for about four hours. Jordan steals some milk. Got to keep our calcium levels up after all that bus travel, after all.

We all decide to go to the 'Melbourne Bar and Bistro. By 'decide', I mean James forced us. This place is pretty much the worst, most unhygienic cesspool of salmonella in the world.

We eat here regardless, as we are still drunk from the bus ride, and hungry.

Mmmm, tapeworms.

9:00pm later that night: We run into disturbing buskers at the riverside.


10.00pm: Everyone's pretty drunk by now, and it is time for more reckless behaviour. Michael and Ben share their whiskey with local Melbourne thugs and later get rolled by said thugs. We find twelve cartons of orange juice. James steals V from a supermarket.

The guys "make friends".

Ben gets really really really really really drunk. Drunk to the point where walking in a straight line seems impossible. We pretend he is a local cripple and stride 10 paces ahead of him for the remainder of the evening.

I stand on a bridge over a freeway.

We go to the Crown Casino. And it's about here that the Dylan identity crisis begins. Dylan's actual ID has been denied. Apparently, his ID is not actually him, even though it actually is.

After 30 minutes of us explaining to the clearly mentally challenged Crown Casino staff that Dylan REALLY IS Dylan, police enforcement is called in. They clarify that Dylan is no fraud.

Dylan walks out of Crown with triumph. "I AM ME!!" He roars.

6:00am: The next morning, James get us kicked out of our hostel for trying to sneak another addition to our pack - Luke Pilla - into the hostel. We are so fucked with exhaustion, yet we get up red-eyed and bleary and walk down the road to a little asian hostel above a supermarket.

The Elizabeth Hostel.

This place is FULL of crazy, pot-smoking people. Everyone smokes cigarettes constantly, in every room - even though it is banned. People leave shit lying around, like x-rated porn, cigarette butts in bottles, about a hundred flyers in the stairwell and dirty laundry.

A random guy pierces his own nose with a thumbtack in front of us, then slams his nose in a cup of Whiskey to 'sanitize' it.There's two pieces of cutlery provided for use between four floors of people staying there.

This place is so fucking cool it's ridiculous.

If Bill behaved, we sometimes let him inside and fed him scraps.

The next day we adventure. All the kids, minus Bill and Dyl.

Grass adventures.

Really cool fun idea 1: Jumping into the grass. And discolate knee for second time.

Really cool fun idea 2: Jumping off bunkbeds trying to take in-action shots.

Really cool fun idea 3: Burn Jordan with home-made 'flamethrower' while he is passed out. Set off fire alarm for the fourth time..

Really cool fun idea 4: Pick up shitfaced Melbourne chicks.

Really cool fun idea 5: Get drunk and decide that, in a room full of strangers, the need for wearing pants is unnessecary.

Really cool fun idea 6: Fuck up Nine Inch Nails.

And then there was "Keith," one of the rooms we stayed in... Keith's decorations, including sock, stuck on with peanut butter. Weed and alcoholic paraphernalia can be seen scattered around the place, as well as illegally-acquired potplant.

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Quotes from the trip:

- "Skinny little ferrets"

- "This aggression will not stand."

- "Cocky parrot."

- "The English royal family is German!"

- "Because this, this is the brotherhood of man."

- "I'm cracking skulls..."

- "Keith is an art gallery."

- "Let's go to the Bar and Bistro."

- (Michael's random bout of violence as he smashes eggs in a carton with his fist).

- "Can I come here later? I don't.. know.. much." (Mi Goreng)

- Forum thread: "The story how one guy FUCKED up the nine inch nails concert"

- "Angry Bill"

- "W'ere just talking about Greek philosophy man..." (reply) "I don't fucking care!"

- "8.90, only at Cafe Primo."

- "Where's that bitch gone???" (James' picking up skills.)

- "Miwanda"

- "General Kingshott's Balls." (uh..)

- "Nate the Snake"

- "Bill, my pants are in the fridge aren't they....."

- "We are the best people we know, and if we didn't know us, we'd hate us."

- "You know what she's doing? She's having a gooooooooood time."

- "Can we have some free toast?"


- "Guys, we gotta go. (5am in the morning)"

- "(on the tram) RUN!"

- "Here's a trick I learnt in school..... (throws up a beer bottle that crashes on table)

- "Have a beer."

- "I AM ME!" (Dylan walking out of the Crown triumphantly)

- "Can we have some money for petrol to Bendigo?"

- "You've said Karl Marx about 7 times!"

- "Excuse me, I graduated last night."

- "Since you cunts have been gone 12 cops in SA have been laid off"

- (To karaoke people) "No, no you don't have to pay us, we'll sing for free"

- "Can we have a radio show, we present both sides of the argument"

- "I'm going to steal this milk." (steals milk.)

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